Tuesday, October 8, 2013

MY IMPERFECT SELF

I sat on my bed with my feet hanging off the side and looked out my window pondering my life and where I've come. My eyes shifted from the window to gaze at my two hands that rested on my lap. I lifted my hands up and placed my palms together seeing the differences in shape and size. Tears immediately began to swell up in my eyes as i looked upon the very hand that God had specially created for me. 

I was born with symbrachydachtyly. It is a condition in which a child is born with missing (or small) fingers. The causes are unknown. 

But I know

I had a milestone experience some years ago in the drama-stages of junior high. I wanted to be apart of the "popular" group: to dress and look as beautiful as the popular people did. I wanted to be normal. One day, i sat on the gymnasium floor stretching as my P.E. teacher called out role for attendance. After she finished with role she announced our new groups for a certain sport. My name was called along with 4 other girls. I stood up to join their group when i noticed they were huddled in a circle and loudly talking about me. "We don't want her in our group. She's deformed. She will make us lose!" They glanced at me and ran off to get their gear. I stood there with my hand hiding in my shirt feeling more alone than i could imagine possible.

As soon as i walked through the door to my home, i ran to my bedroom and buried my weeping face into my pillows. "God... oh God. Why me?" I was so vulnerable to the discouraging thoughts Satan had to offer because i allowed them to enter my mind. I was confused, heartbroken, alone, devastated, frustrated, and ultimately sad. After three hours of crying and feeling alone, i felt something peaceful enter into my head saying, "get on your knees." My heart pounded and burned with anticipation. I immediately got on my knees and began to weep. Through my stutter, i said "Dear God... I need you." In that very instant, i felt love, compassion, peace, and my burdens made light. 

This life is not about being perfect. It's about allowing God to perfect us in our shortcomings. It's about using the atonement to repent of our imperfections. It's about growing closer to our loving Savior so that one day, we can be like Him. In times of heartbreak, sorrow, and trouble we must not forget that the Lord IS there watching over you. I know that trials come into our life for a reason - I am so grateful to have a loving Savior who was willing to take on the pains and imperfections that we all face so that we can feel the divine love that Christ has to offer. Times are hard and trials are prevalent - but the love and compassion that the Savior has for you will never dim. Follow and turn to Christ and you will find answers to your questions, peace to your discomfort, happiness amongst the darkness, and blessings continuously poured into your life.

I might not have a perfect body, but i do have Heavenly Father who loves me - and that is enough

Sincerely, Ashlyn

"Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come" (D&C 68:6).

5 comments:

  1. You are amazing. I'm so glad I stumbled upon this.

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  2. You are also beautiful.

    xo.

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  3. Love this! I needed to read this today. Thanks, Ashlyn.

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  4. This is beautifully perfect. Thank you for sharing your spirit.

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  5. You are an AMAZING writer. And give a lot of people hope. Thank you so much for this.

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