what a lonely day.

today is.. quite lonely. 

at precisely 8:13 A.M. i stood out on my gray and dull driveway, waving a shaking goodbye to my best friend, my brother.. steven. He's moved on to college. i stood out on my driveway thinking of how much i hated goodbye's and wished they never existed. If only i could take back all the moments i had with him and turned them as if they were my last... i eventually left my lonely driveway knowing he wasn't coming back and sank into my couch and cried till wiping my tears became too frequent. All of a sudden, the door opened from the garage and i heard my brother say, "whoops, forgot something!" i didn't want him to see me crying... so i buried my face into the pillow... then before he left, he said "goodbye ashlyn... i.. love you." (so much for trying to stop the Niagara Falls from pouring out of my eyes) i lifted up my soggy red face and stuttered as i caught my breath to tell him that i loved him, more than anything... then he said the word i hated. "goodbye." at that moment... i felt utterly alone. he is everything to me, my best friend, my supporter, my brother, my example... literally, my best friend. I am sitting at the computer trying to get across my point of how much i will truly miss my beloved brother - of how lonely alone i feel.

-right now, I'm listening to Be Here Now by Ray Lamontagne. oh how i am abusing the replay button. -

there are so many different kinds of "lonely's"that people go through. you could be in a room full of people and yet feel like an outsider and completely alone. One could even be so alone that they find a volleyball and name it Wilson and desperately grow to have a relationship with something so lifeless yet, more alive than the people around them. The word 'lonely' is avoided by so many yet one of the most common feelings we encounter. We've all been through it... we know that feeling of emptiness and desertion.

Dearest Steven,

I love and miss you already.

Sincerely, Ashlyn